The Others

In the mid-20th century, French psychoanalyst Jacques-Marie-Émile Lacan developed the concept of "the other," originally introduced by German philosopher Georg Hegel in the early 1800s and now a pillar of modern day psychological models. What the idea of "the other" holds is that every person sees everything else in the world, including every other human being, as being either the same as him or herself, or other. Once we make this judgement we have just created a story about person and will then relate to this person within that context. You are either with me or against me.... The "other" is a very real psychological mechanism that we all have built into us.
This could potentially serve as a useful protection against those who seek to harm us but to anyone who has developed beyond the default subconscious operating system and who desires to create meaningful emotional connections with others, the question of the other presents a unique problem and also an unparalleled opportunity. This is because most people are very good at positioning themselves as the other, and not so good at showing how they are the same. And emotional connection, at its very core, is all about helping others see you as the same as them: as someone who gets them, is bonded to them, and understands them to the quick of them.

If you think about it... aren't we all just human beings? We all want to be accepted and loved and at a core level we are all the same. Sometimes we perceive people as being different, sometimes we think what they are doing with their lives is wrong. However consider that they're just living a different life you don't fully relate to, and they have different reactions to you and feelings about you too.

So now ask yourself who is in your "other" category and why..??

So if the goal is to build meaningful, intimate connections with people then it is important to learn how to establish yourself as the "same" rather than the "other". Here are some tips:

Keep opinions to yourself: Unsolicited contentious opinions generally tend to make people feel ignored, marginalized, or just wrong. If this is within a dating scenario your partner may feel that their needs are not be addressed or that you are just making unilateral decisions with their input. Everyone wants to feel accepted and included. Also remember not to judge other people's opinions. There is this social enforcing behavior we all tend to get instilled with very early on in life, and it’s called “judging.” We use it to put social pressure on others to conform to our views about what is correct behavior and avoid engaging in incorrect behavior. If someone engages in enough incorrect behavior, we judge them quite poorly, and effectively consider them out of our social class, clique, or tribe. Instead, talk about stuff you can both agree on -- interests, hobbies. Maybe both of you like art, or played sports in high school, or hate office desk jobs. Doesn't matter what it is -- so long as it's something you relate to each other on.

Communicating beyond the superficial: Relating and really getting to know someone, beyond the superficial creates a bond. You get to know who they really are and they feel like you are interested. This is a good first step in establishing intimacy. Ask meaningful questions, all humans are interesting and worth getting to know, but sometimes you have to dig a little to get to the good stuff, and connecting to the deeper self.

Active listening: The ability to show someone you are paying attention is invaluable. Sometimes we are too caught up trying to impress the other person or trying to get them to like us that we forget to actually be present and listen. One tool in active listening is feeding the other person's conversation back to them. This can be as simple as repeating back what they've said to you but with different words. e.g., they tell you about how their father taught them to sail, and you respond with, "That's so very cool you had a dad who taught you to sail. How good did you end up getting?" The good conversationalist does not just talk; he drives a conversation from the initial feeling-out stage to a deep, personal connection that is rewarding to everyone involved.

Build consensus: You don't exactly have to take a vote, but you should ask for buy in. Like so: "I'm thinking we should grab some sushi. Do you like sushi?" That way the other person feels included in the decision. And once they've bought in, they'll support the decision rather than attack it or resist it.

The person who knows how to build an emotional connection is the person who's able to control his own fate, so to speak, when it comes to connecting with others. He's no longer at the mercy of destiny, hoping for that spark to manifest; instead, he controls its manifestation. "Chemistry" is at his beck and call. Futher, once you're good at knowing how to build an emotional connection, you become that rare individual others can connect to well, thereby distinguishing yourself from everyone else.